Rebuttal to "The Physics of Santa Claus"
“Several key points are overlooked by this callous, amateurish study."
As is widely known, due to the excellent historical documentary "Santa Claus is Coming to Town”, flying
reindeer are not an unknown species of reindeer, but are in fact given the power of flight due to eating magic feed
corn. As is conclusively proven in "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" (a no punches pulled expose of life in Santa's
village), this ability has bred true in subsequent generations of reindeer, and obviously the magic feed corn
imprinted their power on a dominant gene sequence within the reindeer DNA strand.
Number of Households
The media biased report over looks two key facts. First, the first major schism in the Church split the Eastern
Churches, centered in Byzantium, from the Western, which remained centered in Rome. This occurred prior to the
Gregorian correction to the Julian calendar. The Eastern churches (currently called Orthodox Churches) do not
recognize the Gregorian correction for liturgical events, and their Christmas is as a result several days after the
Western Churches'. Thus, Santa gets two shots at delivering toys.
Secondly, the figure of 3.5 children per household is based on the gross demographic average, which includes
households with no children at all. The number of children per household, when figured as an average for households
with children, would therefore have to be adjusted upward. Also, many Christians have quite large families. If you
don't believe me, ask my two brothers and three sisters, they'll back me up. Or better yet ask any of my seven
children. Due to these large Christian households, the total number of households containing Christian children
would have to be adjusted downward to reflect the overloading beyond a standard deviation from the median.
Also, the assertion that each home would contain at least one good child would be reasonable enough if there
were in fact an even 3.5 children per household. However, since the number of children per household is quantized,
there would be a significant number of one child Christian households. Even though only-children are notoriously
spoiled and therefore disproportionately inclined towards being naughty, since it's the holidays we'll be generous
and give them a fifty-fifty chance of being nice. This removes one half of the single child households from Santa's
delivery schedule, which has already been reduced by the removal of the Orthodox households from the first delivery
Santa's Delivery Run (speed, payload, etc.):
These all suffer from the dubious supposition that there is only one Santa Claus. The name "Santa" is obviously
either Spanish or Italian, two ethnic groups which are both overwhelmingly Catholic. The last name Claus suggests a
joint German/Italian background. His beginnings, battling the Burgermeister Meisterburger, suggest he grew up in
Bavaria. The Kaiser style helmets of the Burgermeister's guards, coupled with the relative isolation of the
village, suggest that his youth was at the very beginning of Prussian influence in Germany. Thus, Santa and Mrs.
Claus have been together for well over one hundred years.
If you think that after a hundred years of living at the North Pole with nights six months long that they remain
childless, you either failed or didn’t take biology in high school. Thus, there have been over five generations of
Clauses, multiplying for over one hundred years. Since they are Catholic, their exponential population increase
would obviously have a gain higher than the world population as a whole. There have therefore been more than enough
new Santas to overcome the population increase of the world. So in fact, Santa has an easier time of it now than he
did when he first started out.
Santa dead, indeed; some people will twist any statistic to "prove" their cynical